Breaking to Breathe Read online

  “Nix, listen,” Kyle tried to stop his brother from going down the rabbit hole that could only lead to blackness, but Nixon had one foot off the ledge.

  “No, you listen. You talk about all you’ve done to fail those around you. But at least you tried, Kyle. You fucking tried with every single one of us. If not for you, I would have been crushed after Mom’s defection, and I would have died under Dad’s fist. You didn’t let that happen.

  “As for your friends, it was you who stood by Max when his first wife cheated on him. It wasn’t your fault she was a lying whore. It was your job to be honest. You were, and you stood by him. Even when his good friend Gage wasn’t in the picture, you were there holding his macho ass upright. You were the one that offered Ryan a place to crash when he first moved to town. Granted, your place was a disgusting shit hole, but you barely knew the guy and you offered. YOU.”

  Kyle couldn’t stand by and listen to this list of bullshit when the important stuff was being ignored. “Nix, if I was such a great fucking guy, why didn’t I go see our parents at the end? He wanted to see me. She begged to see me, and then she killed herself. They finally reached out, and I took our mom away from you.”

  Admitting it out loud nearly choked him. All these months, the guilt of taking Nixon’s chance of a normal relationship with their mother away had eaten at Kyle. Instead of protecting his brother, he caused even more sorrow.

  Heavy silence fell over the room. “Look at me, Ky.” Kyle couldn’t bring himself to meet his brother’s gaze. “Goddamnit, Kyle, look at me.” Kyle raised his eyes only to see torture bleeding from every pore on his brother’s handsome face. “You were right not to have gone to see dad before he died. I should have listened to you.”

  The brothers never discussed what happened during Nixon’s reunion with his father. Kyle couldn’t bring himself to ask a question that would only cause him anger or jealousy. At the time, he felt weak for avoiding the topic with his brother, but after a while, when Nixon didn’t mention it, Kyle assumed it was better left undiscussed. “What the fuck are you saying?”

  Pinching the bridge of his nose, Nixon released a breath. “I went to see the bastard in the hospital, and after all the years apart, he was still as evil and venomous as he’d always been.” Nixon went on to explain the embarrassment he felt when their father insulted Nixon, claiming ‘once a pussy always a pussy’ about the fact that he’d shown up to see a man who beat the shit out of him. “Frail and dying, he still had not an ounce of remorse. He went as far as to laugh when he admitted to wanting to see which of the two little girls he raised would actually show up, and he was proud to see that one of them turned out like him.” Nixon diverted his eyes as he admitted that last part.

  Kyle’s gut clenched at those words. Parts of him knew that he was just like his old man, hearing pride and ownership coming from that bastard made him want to drown himself in alcohol to erase the words from his memory.

  “I never wanted to tell you about the visit for two reasons. First, you, Kyle, are nothing like that sadistic motherfucker. Nothing. There is more humanity in your thumb than he had in his whole body, which led to the second reason I didn’t tell you.” Nixon scrubbed his hand through his hair and mumbled unintelligibly.

  “I didn’t hear what you said.”

  “I said, I told him you were nothing like him with my hands wrapped around his neck. Kyle, I was thrown out of the hospital that day. I’m a fucking cop, and I almost killed someone. I was shocked mom didn’t press charges. And that was why I thought she’d changed.”

  Astonishment hit Kyle between the eyes, as the world and everything he knew tilted slightly off its axis. “What kind of sick twisted motherfucker would do that to his own kid? Jesus Christ, Nix. You should have come to me.” Kyle wanted to bring his father back to life, if only to kill him again.

  “Ky, you would have killed that sonofabitch if you knew what he pulled. Besides, I was too embarrassed to tell you. You told me not to go; you warned me to stay away. I didn’t listen. And then what did I do? I got involved with mom. I figured once dad was gone she would be a different person.” The mention of his mother sent cold chills through Kyle’s body. He used to wonder how it was possible to have two such horrible parents, but now he totally understood it. In the most revolting way, they were meant for each other.

  Kyle swallowed hard, finding it difficult to speak around the lump in his throat. “I can’t talk about her, Nix. I just can’t.”

  “You don’t have to.” Nixon’s face was devoid of color, everywhere except under his eyes where the deep purple half-moons rested. Had they been there at the beginning of the conversation? Kyle couldn’t recall.

  “She was just another situation where I failed you,” Nixon confessed.

  “What?” Kyle couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His little brother had never been anything but a source of pride for him. Something that Kyle actually did right. To hear Nixon express sorrow and guilt made Kyle want to howl in pain.

  “After Dad died, I received a text from Mom. It was a picture of Dad with my hands around his neck. She said she would send it to my Captain if I didn’t have you contact her.”

  “That crazy bitch was blackmailing you?” Why was he still surprised by anything his whacked out parents did?

  “Yeah, I told her I would never make you see her. But I did tell you that she wanted to talk to you. When you said no, I took the picture to my boss along with our history of abuse.” Nixon’s face sparked. “I’m a great cop, Kyle. He told me not to worry about it, and I didn’t. With mom no longer a threat, I moved on, until the call came from the neighbor complaining of a stench.”

  The memories of what they found were burned into his brain. The metallic smell of blood mixed with the acrid scent of a body that had been left undetected for several days. Bottles of whisky and vodka littered the counters and floor of the small house, and a large knife laid next to what was left of their mother.

  “I’m sorry you had to see her like that, Nixon.” True sorrow weaved through every fiber of Kyle’s being. He was supposed to protect his brother, and once again, he failed.

  “You see, you take responsibility for loads that aren’t yours to bear. I’m a grown man, Kyle. Not some nine year old little boy that thinks an ice cream cone will fix all of the world’s woes. Yet I still acted like one, and I brought so much pain down on you that night, and I almost lost you in the process.” Nix inhaled deeply, “I’m sorry, Ky. The guilt has been killing me. No wonder you’ve shut me out.” He averted his gaze to the floor. Kyle assumed his brother was holding back tears because he himself was doing the same.

  “Why guilt?” Kyle leaned forward clasping his brother’s arm. “You didn’t force me to drink. You didn’t put me behind the wheel. You knew something was wrong with our mother, and you were scared to go up there alone. That’s what brothers are for. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I may not have forced the liquor down your throat, but I brought you to their house, and that’s where you read her letter.” He’d wondered if Nix knew about their mother’s final words to him. Shame gripped Kyle’s chest like a fist, making it difficult for him to breathe. His brother had read how their own mother blamed Kyle for the horrors in all of their lives. She’d written that she wished he’d never been born and claimed that he was a disappointment as a son and failure as a brother. Nixon knew that Suzy Marx took her own life but placed the blame for that sin in Kyle’s hands. And Nixon must have read how their dear mother signed her last letter, I’ll see you again someday, dear son. I’ll save you a seat between your father and me in hell.

  His stomach lurched as the memories he’d tried to suppress climbed up his esophagus. Making it to the toilet just in time, Kyle violently purged his past. Years of stuffing it down, drinking it back, and numbing it up finally came to head, and as his stomach hollowed and the wrenching stopped, the tears began to flow.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, Kyle. Let it out.” His brother sat behi
nd him on the floor in the bathroom, his presence strong and meaningful. “I’m here, Ky. You aren’t alone.”

  For the first time in his life, Kyle actually believed it to be true. The walls he’d erected as a child to keep the pain out and the fear in began to crack. Small fissures appeared in what had once been unbreakable, and now tiny flecks of light shone through—defrosting what was frozen for so long. With his brother at his back and his friends by his side, Kyle felt like he was finally beginning to breathe.

  Sweet Man

  CATE WAS HAVING one of those mornings where she wished she had stayed in bed. It started when her coffee maker died mid-cup, leaving her to make the phone call that she’d been putting off for three days to her parents on a quarter cup of nasty, sludgy coffee goo. When she informed her father that she wouldn’t be available to come to West Virginia until Friday afternoon, he went from saccharine sweet to bitter, like her coffee, as he lectured her on the importance of making family top priority. Yeah, since when was she a priority? Her mother usurped the conversation, apologizing for her husband’s attitude and claiming excitement at seeing their long lost daughter for his impatience. Her mother actually sounded sincere, heartfelt. Was it possible? One could hope.

  Since Elliot had an early meeting with a client and wouldn’t be in the office until just before they were scheduled to leave for Charistown to meet with their new friends at Danny’s, Cate arrived to open the store only to find a spot in the ceiling that wasn’t strong enough to withstand the heavy rains from the previous night. “Figures,” she sighed as she trudged through a large puddle and called what she and Elliot referred to as the slumlord. The guy refused to make repairs to the building in a timely fashion—or in any fashion.

  With the landlord supposedly on his way over to cover the hole, and his promise that the roofer would be out to fix the damage as soon as possible, Cate spent the early hours trying to salvage the items that could be saved and trashing those that couldn’t.

  She was happy for the interruption when her phone rang. Something unexpected had come up at the bar, and they were unable to meet with Cate and Elliot.

  “Is everything okay, Ash?”

  “You know, I think it will be.” Despite the upbeat tone in Ashley’s voice, Cate couldn’t help but worry. Those are your friends. Of course you’re worried. Friends…even the thought made her smile. In such a short period of time, strangers became colleagues who then morphed into pals. She didn’t feel it happening nor did she need to try. They were easy people to like. They didn’t dig too deep into her past, and they seemed to like her for her. The word rolled around in her mind again. Friends. At thirty-one years old, she was finally letting people in.

  “So would that work for you guys? Cate?”

  “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Ashley. I totally spaced for a minute. We had a bit of disaster of our own that I’m dealing with here. The roof of our store front leaked last night, and the ceiling is bubbled and coming down in small clumps. Thank God the office is dry, but a bunch of our brochures, posters, and samples are water-logged and flat-out ruined. Elliot just texted and she’s running late at her first meeting, and I’m still waiting for the roofer. So no worries about rescheduling. When are you thinking?”

  “Yikes, that sucks about the flood. Would tomorrow evening work for you guys? I spoke with the other girls, and this is what we were thinking. If you and Ells came here, we could go over the final plans for the party. We could grab dinner and then have a proper G.N.O.”

  “G.N.O?”

  “Girls’ Night Out. Wow, I’ve have some serious work to do with you.” Cate giggled at Ashley’s enthusiasm.

  “What makes tomorrow night any different from the usual Thursday nights?”

  “Umm, for one thing, tomorrow is Wednesday,” Ashley deadpanned. “No, seriously, we’re training the new guy Ando, and we want to give him a few hours behind the bar. No way are we gonna start him on a Thursday night, so we figured we could ease him in on a Wednesday instead. That gave me the night off. Like I said, a proper G.N.O.”

  The women made plans for the next day before Ashley rang off and Cate went back to work. A girls’ night out, just the idea made her ridiculously excited. Then she stopped. Her smile wobbled as she realized no trip to Charistown meant she wouldn’t be seeing Kyle today as she’d planned.

  Looking down at her gray fitted, long-sleeved t-shirt and new skinny jeans tucked into her favorite black UGGs, the knowledge that the extra time spent on her appearance that morning was for naught, stung. But then again, her boots were covered in ceiling sludge, and that sucked, too. Grabbing her phone, she tapped in a quick text and then got back to work.

  Nervous energy flitted through Kyle’s body, making his palms sweat and his muscles cramp. He called the meeting for a reason. Knowing exactly what he needed to do, Kyle realized thinking about it and doing it were two completely different things.

  After talking with his brother and spending hours reflecting on his life, he realized that he couldn’t move on just yet. He still had quite a bit to say; he just hoped that he was still wanted as part of the family when he was done.

  Just as Max and Janie made their way through the back door, Kyle’s phone vibrated.

  Cate: I heard you have a meeting, so I won’t be seeing you today :(

  Cate: Just know, I’m thinking about you…in a not friendish way ;)

  Staring at the screen, Kyle shook his head, his lips pulled up into a half smile. Christ, the things that woman did to him with just a few words and emoticons.

  Sweetman: Ur making me hard, Angel. Not friendish at all.

  Sweetman: Make sure ur thoughts are as dirty as mine now are. Call u later.

  Slipping the phone in his back pocket, Kyle grabbed a bottle of water from the mini-fridge in the office and made his way into the back bar.

  As soon as he walked into the room, all talking amongst his seven partners ceased.

  “Wow, I always thought I was the life of the party,” Kyle deadpanned, taking a swig of his water to wet his suddenly dry mouth.

  Danny, always the patriarch, stepped in for the rescue. “No, son, you know that’s not it. You haven’t been yourself in over a year. During the past couple of weeks, we’ve all noticed a positive change in you. Less drink, fewer scenes at the bar, and a much calmer man behind the bar, which I’ll speak for all of us when I say, it’s been great to see. Then I hear that Nix came to see you early yesterday. Since then, you’ve been buried deep in your own head, we’ve been scared shitless to reach for you.”

  “I think what Danny’s trying to say, sweetie, is we are all really concerned.” Julie wore her heart on the outside. Kyle had always known that about the woman, and seeing the worry etched in her face made him feel even more the asshole. “You called all of us together. Something you’ve never done before. I guess, for me personally, I’m scared to death we’re going to lose you.” How could he possibly deserve this much love from people he treated badly?

  Rubbing his hand around the back of his neck, Kyle looked around the room, seven pairs of eyes aimed directly at him, seven bodies waiting for answers but none of them with hostility or disappointment. Taking a deep breath, Kyle leaped off the proverbial cliff, knowing with certainty his family would be there to catch him.

  “Soo… I’m not quite sure how to start this. I’m just gonna jump right in,” Kyle let his gaze roam around the table, not a sound to be heard except for his voice and the quiet breaths of his friends. “I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry for the way I’ve acted to all of you. I’ve been a selfish fuck and an irresponsible asshole. I’ve abused each and every one of you, and I didn’t deserve your friendships to begin with, much less to ask you to stick around while I continue to figure my shit out. But…I am. I’m asking you to hold on with me a little longer. Because I’m sorry. I know those words can’t erase all of the horrible shit I’ve put you all through over the years, but…it’s all I have to offer right now.” Peering around the table at the tear-f
illed eyes of his best friends tore him up inside, but it was Max’s nod of approval that nearly brought Kyle to his knees.

  White knuckling the top of the table to keep him steady, Kyle continued, “I did meet up with my brother this week. We had a long overdue conversation that opened my eyes to a lot of things. Some I wanted to forget, and some I never knew of in the first place. All were things that needed to come to light in order for me to move on.” He took a couple of deep breaths. “Guys, Nixon told me about all of the stuff you did for me after my accident. I…I don’t even know what to say about them all.”

  “Son, listen…”

  “Danny, sit down. I’m talking here.” When Kyle used one of Danny’s infamous lines on him, the room burst out in giggles, breaking a bit of tension.

  “I know that each of you are going to give me a reason why you needed or wanted or had to do what you did for me. You’ll probably tell me that I would’ve done the same for you. And do you know what, you’d be right. I would have. But the thing is, I forgot. I forgot to pay attention to what was around me. I was careless and took for granted the love that I was lucky enough to find with all of you, and I forgot that I had it in me to give. You,” he eyed each of his friends, “didn’t. Thank you. I promise to start paying you back as soon as I’m back on my feet again.”

  The room had remained quiet save for the sniffles and nose blowing. “Um, that’s pretty much it,” Kyle shrugged. “I just hope I’m still welcome here after being such a fucking asswipe for so long.”

  “Okay, now you’re finished?” Julie asked cautiously.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Because I have something to say and I need to say it. So sit, you.” Kyle quickly planted his ass on a chair. “You all think Danny is super scary. Well guess what? I’m the lady who sees what’s going on with all of you and sics the big guy up in your business. Kyle, Danny and I don’t need or want your money. I won’t speak for anyone else. You take it up with them.” Julie slowly turned her head, making eye contact with each person at the table.